Not long ago, I ran across a blog post that provoked me. The writer’s assertions struck a raw nerve that brought up a few ghosts from my past. I felt compelled to respond.
The first draft of my response felt angry and haughty. I needed to breathe deeply, approach it from a more dialogic place in my heart, and tone down the language. So I did that, and the final result was OK.
Still, I was disappointed in myself. I’ve been on this journey with God for almost 40 years, on the monastic path for seven. Shouldn’t I have stopped getting defensive by now?
Alas, that’s not the way the spiritual life works. At least not usually.
Usually, the spiritual life is more of a one-step-at-a-time affair. Along the way, we cultivate habits of the heart. They take a lifetime to grow. Meanwhile, the old habits keep popping up. Over time, fewer of them pop up, and less often. We grow more into the habits of the heart that speak of God. But the old ways are always there.
The “way of dialogueâ€â€”which is itself a kind of spiritual path—is the same. We don’t walk it until we reach a state of perfection, and then dialogue from some lofty perch of perfect enlightenment. Rather, we dialogue all along the way, and to each dialogue we bring our vastly imperfect selves.
That simple truth calls us to be gentle with ourselves, in the same way that dialogue calls us to be gentle with others. Clearly, accepting my own lack of progress is not my strong suit. But when I can do it, I am in a better position to welcome others and hear their perspectives in authentic dialogue.
Is it a challenge for you to be gentle with your own progress (or lack thereof)? How does it affect your connections with others?
I have a fairly eclectic spiritual practice drawing from different roots yet heavily influenced by Buddhism. Whether it’s age, experience, and/or the spiral nature of eastern religions, I cannot tell, but I am aware that I am more gently accepting of myself now than when I was younger. By spiral nature, I mean an awareness that we are constantly in a state of moving into balance; it is non-linear. I also wonder if being on a spiritual path includes coming to peace with all the internalized oppression we learned as children. As an adult, I can intellectually hold certain principles to be true,i.e. dialogue is better than an angry reaction. However, depending upon whether I’ve worked on eliminating that trigger on a visceral level is a different matter. And, for me, it does not go away solely based upon spiritual practice. Perhaps, it is a combination.
I’ve also come to realize that change can be very subtle and invisible immediately, extending to an energetic level. Only now can I look back and observe where my path veered. As my teacher once said, ‘it is your soul/sole’s path…’ (we like to pun!)
And then, one of my favorite images that gave me solace was a poster a friend of mine made. It was a photo she took in Bhutan of two aged women, each carrying a heavy load of firewood on their backs, crossing over a wild & rushing river on a rickety rope & wood bridge with huge boulders on each side . I’d wonder why was I dealing with a specific issue. Again! I thought I had come to terms with it already. I finally believed my life to be a river which carries all the good, bad & indifferent. And I am continually crossing the river, at different points, such that I may be challenged by the same core issues, but the elements are different each time. I am making progress…
And, lastly, by judging yourself for not being where you think you ought to be, you are creating yet another obstacle in your path. Unfortunately, this can become its own catch-22…. judging yourself for judging yourself. I guess the next step would be to observe yourself without attachment and say, ‘oh, look, there I am judging myself’ and move on…
Great insights, Jen-Lin. I agree that age and experience can make it easier to self-accept, and I love the notion of self-observation. A couple of Lents ago, I used self-observation to pay attention to (as opposed to judging) my shortcomings, and it led me into a profound encounter with the limitless love of God. Well worth the price of admission.
Since this blog is about a spiritual path to dialogue, I’m particularly intrigued by this statement: “And, for me, it (the trigger toward anger/defensiveness/etc.) does not go away solely based upon spiritual practice. Perhaps, it is a combination.” You’re probably right. I emphasize the effect of spiritual practice on dialogue because (a) it’s made me a more dialogic person and (b) very few, if any, people are making this connection. Still, we all know plenty of genuinely spiritual people who are not particularly kind and gentle and compassionate. (Not to mention all of us who are not particularly kind and compassionate at any given time.) As with so many things, the combination is probably most effective.
Spiritual can be enhanced by always making sure that you have compassion to everyone. :
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Indeed, Mabel. So true.
In a spiritual reality, nothing can be lost and therefore, nothing can be taken, but while we perceive this physical reality, the idea of losing when you give or gaining when you take, are inbred into the worlds thinking.