People ask me what my book is about. I tell them itâ€™s about how to change from the inside out so you can talk with people who drive you nuts.
They say, â€œBoy, do I know someone who could use your book.â€
That response always makes me laugh. So Iâ€™m reluctant to admit thereâ€™s a problem with it.
Iâ€™ve seen the problem repeatedly over the past two yearsâ€”ever since the 2016 presidential election changed so much about the way we talk (or rather, donâ€™t talk) and live with one another in the U.S.
Over and over again, on social media and at family gatherings and after church and who knows where else, I hear people bemoan the state of Americaâ€™s public square. We are so polarized, they say. No one talks anymore. Everyone shouts at each other. The world is filled with outrage. If only weâ€™d listen.
This recognition of our parlous state is, I think, the first wobbly step toward dialogue. You have to know thereâ€™s a problem before you can start to resolve it, right?
The dead end comes in the (usual) second step.
Right after no one talks anymore etc., many people follow up with some version of itâ€™s the other sideâ€™s fault.
I heard it again at a gathering of relatives recently. One person, a brilliant and ardent conservative, noted the lack of dialogue and proceeded to lay the blame on the political left. At my (liberal) church, the talk shifts from â€œhow bad it isâ€ to bemoaning the rightâ€™s contribution.
By the way, these folks have a point. People at the ends of the political spectrum especially, left and right, are contributing to this climate. But while the faultfinding is correct, itâ€™s not useful. Itâ€™s a second step that takes us nowhere.
These days Iâ€™m pondering a different second stepâ€”a step my book alludes to. It asks,Â how am I contributing to the problem? Or, even better: how can I change so that my contribution inspires harmony rather than hostility?
Letâ€™s be honest. This second step is a doozy. It asks people to look inside themselves, and thatâ€™s not always a pleasant view. I know because Iâ€™ve done it.
I think a framework of faith and spirit can help here. At their best and fullest, many of our faith traditions encourage us to â€œexamine ourselvesâ€ in an effort to become better versions of ourselves. Ideally the process is gentleâ€”not about guilt and judgment, but rather about self-discovery, a flowering of oneâ€™s deepest self in a way that makes a difference in the world.
That can be a magnificent adventure. I know because Iâ€™ve done it.
If people could take this useful second step, it might change things. But how do you take it? And how can those of us whoâ€™ve gone down that road support others as they take that step?
Those are the questions that challenge me right now. Iâ€™d love to hear your thoughts.